Current Mood:  thoughtful
i finished putting clutter up around my mirror and on my dresser and i love it. it reminds me of who i am. josh fixed my laptop and cleared up the problem. i have a lil ikea side table that i am using as a laptop desk. i'm sitting on the floor typing, reminds me of japan. no chairs there at home, just cushions on the floor and heated mats in the winter. simon-cat is laying beside me as i type, regina spektor on the headphones. i feel like this is my lil zen space. no one's personality but me surrounds me.
i found a photo of my sister and i sleeping at the cabin when we were lil. i am 7 so that makes mikayla 4. i have nearly blonde hair and very tanned skin. mik is similarly light haired and dark skinned from days playing in the sand and swimming in the lake. i have bangs falling in to my eyes and my head curled on to mikayla's shoulder. she is curled on her side, arm flopped out to the side of the bed. we look so peaceful and i can just imagine mom pointing it out to dad, dad quietly taking tiptoes to the camera and back, and snapping the photo. just before whispering to mom, "aren't they beautiful?". and i'm so glad that one day josh and i will be repeating that history. i think if we have a second they will get along like mik and i, with periods of fighting maybe, but hopefully they will be friends like mikayla and i have become. i think i want to name the second Athina. Josh likes it!! that shocked me. can you imagine, lil Isabella and Athina? how perfect is that? if a boy, Hunter Alexander Morison.
Alexander is also Grandpa Morison's name. he is still in hospital, well enough to open his eyes sometimes and stare towards the tv. he still can't blink or swallow enough to drink or eat. but since he can nod and blink now so the dr, a South African and more blunt than us Cdns are used to, said to Al, "Alex," (the nurses and drs call him Alex which sounds too formal even for a nickname, after calling him Al all this time), " do you want a feeding tube? blink once for yes and twice for no." so Al blinks twice. then the dr asks, "or would you rather we let you die. blink once for yes and twice for no ?"
so Al blinks twice. so much for asking directly. mixed messages. do not admit defeat but do not accept a limited lifestyle. ugh. poor terry, leeabeth, jim and rick and his wife miriam for having to decide. terry, josh's mom, asked again when al could nod yes or no and he said no to both again. so hard. do we pull off the machines and see if his body can live on his own, let nature take it's course, or do we take the chance he would be happy in a home(doubtful, he didn't like his previous freer post stroke existence, so why would he be less depressed even more ltd) and let the drs add feeding tubes and do more invasive procedures? and then if he's miserable, too bad at that point short of suicide??ugh, argh, agh. terry lost her grandparents young, barely remembers. and josh hasn't lost anyone close!! he cried in the hospital! i have only seen him cry once, and never in public. i cried too, too overwhelmed. even knowing al after his stroke and for such a short time, it is hitting me hard. he is my family too now i feel. poor josh tho. when he was little he was grandpa's shadow. even when he was a baby it was grandpa al who walked him around and got him to calm and sleep. we would hate to lose him. we would all hate more to see him suffer. if there is a god why would he let us develop medicine that forces people to decide for Him or keeps people around too long? not new questions for sure. or wish al knew what we were asking and could really communicate to us what HE wants. that is important.
on a happier note, i have more of the wedding invites out and should be getting some replies in the mail soon! and i have plans to start for the wedding. and i am loving this new regina spektor album!!! there is a whole song with a chorus about leaves being the prettiest before they die, crumple to the ground. wow. and i just started a Charlotte Sometimes song and her voice is beautiful and smooth. like really good coffee. who else listens to her or regina and has suggestions for me, music wise?
visited Victoria BC - beautiful. had the best food and found two AMAZING used book stores. I loved the people in them. in each i found a person with my reading tastes, which i found amazing. we spent almost 150$ on books. ridiculous!! but we found so many that we've been looking for forever or longer and had to. the first book store owner let me know of an author who someone said is like an American Murakami, so i'm excited to read it. and the second book store had a girl who also has a crush on Jack Kerouac. i instantly loved her for it and we bonded for the ten minutes i was at the counter. the book was only 18$ and a hardcover and a rare find.
my life is so full. and i looked up Kimya Dawson tabs. after ten yrs of having it, i'm gonna learn my damn guitar my way. i will practice when Izzy naps, as much as i can , or maybe evenings when i'm not rock climbing. and i will try to put aside my OCD tendency to clean and spend too many minutes moving a container to the right a mm then to the left a mm til a shelf looks perfect. must care more about learning and loving and less about how clean things are, how glasses are arranged in the cupboard. i will sweep so the floor is clean for my crawling Isazilla and then i will promise myself to sit for a half hour at least while she sleeps or when josh is home and do more than check freaking facebook, that life sucking, brain draining, time stealer. i will write and play and learn and read and listen to music. this is my promise to me. i lost me awhile ago and i need to be tianna as well as mother and sister and lover and housekeeper. yes, yes i do. hey me, there you are! with your own interests and need to be alone sometimes and your loves. thank god i didn't completely lose you. <3
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