Home

Advertisement

Customize
About this Journal
Current Month
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930
Nov. 5th, 2009 @ 12:34 pm Home
Current Mood: content
I love being a stay at home mom and finally feel comfortable in my role. Josh and I have figured out a pattern that works for us. Just ...now we have to figure out the finances which is kind of scary. We have no money and have fallen a lil behind in a lot of payments. Urgh. Oh well, coupons and sales and dollar stores will be my bestest friends. Here goes budgeting!! I hope i'm good at it.

Izzy wanting Daddy to be her horsey.

making faces

1, 2, 3 DIP!

About this Entry
Sep. 20th, 2009 @ 07:25 pm kind of
Current Mood: crazy
i kinda had a meltdown today. i am a good listener and i love helping but lately it's been a lil out of control and one thing led to another and i snapped a lil. i am not an emotional jug with no limit. i can't absorb what everyone else is going through, help them talk it out and let it go. i am an emotional sponge. if you tell me something it will stick with me. and i reached my limit.

and my deadbeat dad was supposed to come and take care of izzy so we could spend all day cleaning out the storage space in the basement. then it turns out he'll be late cuz he's waiting for someone to look at a room in the townhouse he lives in, cuz one of his roomies is moving. ridiculous. he should've taken it as a sign to move mom up here and stop living like a bachelor in his early fifties. stupid peter pan syndrome. anyway, so he says he'll be late but be here and then i have to push for updates and then he doesn't come but doesn't tell me he isn't. fantastic. so we put iz down for her nap and go to see. and most of the stuff is our landlord's stuff clogging the space and so we can't do anything we wanted. well, i wanted. i would've had at 'er but my arm is still iffy and the people downstairs that rent the basement were home and in our way and we only had an hour cuz iz was due to wake up soon. so the clean organized storage with an "our side" and "their side" with labels and stuff was not to be. and it annoyed the hell out of me. and i snapped. i have had a month or more of dealing with everyone else's shit. fair enough as i am more settled and all then i have ever been, so leaves me open to help others. but like i said...so i have been dealing with everyone else's stuff and now i literally have to deal with my landlord's physical stuff standing in my way? no way... not to mention i need my own space and a couple hours ALONE every week and haven't gotten that for about a year now. so i feel a lil batty. and i feel like a bitch complaining and i wouldn't be cuz i thought i could deal but obviously can't cuz ended up yelling at josh today. thankfully my rant showed him i wasn't mad at him but at the situation! :/ phew.

i want to take a break from the world for a week but won't most likely. will be texting less and be a lil less available probably just so i can protect my sanity tho.
About this Entry
Sep. 3rd, 2009 @ 12:27 pm i've been gone
Current Mood: hungry
Tags: , ,
sister and i on our "Staycation".

i've been so busy i haven't posted. i hurt my hand really bad climbing and can't type that great, so a big post will have to wait!! soon, soon.


Izzy is a yr old already! this is at her bday party.

First Bday Cake! Loving it.

 One of 3 flowers that actually grew in my garden, against all odds!




About this Entry
Sep. 3rd, 2009 @ 12:25 pm (no subject)
note to self "Be Mine" theme also cool, as well as "Beckett"
About this Entry
Jul. 27th, 2009 @ 12:59 pm The End of the Car Accident Saga.
Current Mood: relieved
As some of you may remember I was involved in a car accident last November. Some young kid ran a red light with his stupid GMC truck and mashed my drivers side front end. Two elderly people saw him run the red but I didn't get their statement at the time. So....when I got the statement from the two people, he couldn't remember if it was a red or a yellow turning red. So then it turned in to a he said, she said situation and even with a lawyer it didn't look worth it to win. It took a bit over 3 grand to fix the "Maude-Mobile" and it was gonna take twice that to get the truth and go to trial.
So I take the hit for this one since they are convinced I didn't yield. Which is a lie and unfair, but life isn't fair. My insurance went up a little, but that won't last and we can finally put all of this behind us!!
We had a lawyer for the year and he'd put enough time in to it for us to owe him a few hundred dollars, but he agreed that it was an unfortunate situation and wrote off the bill as a first birthday present for Izzy! So the lawyer cost us nothing. I still have to pay more insurance and take the blame, but little blessings like no lawyer bill make me so happy.

The end.
About this Entry
Jul. 22nd, 2009 @ 10:57 am what would katherine hepburn do?
Current Mood: annoyed
omg, i thought i'd be all independent and surprising and just get things done and i can't get the effing lawnmower to start so i can cut the frigging grass. i am such a girl.
About this Entry
Jul. 15th, 2009 @ 10:50 am yesterday
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: waves and the both of us, by charlotte sometimes
Tags: , , ,
yesterday i spent half the day at my sister's in her bachelor suite. we didn't leave even, just talked and played with isabella. and you know what? it was really really nice. i  missed my sister. she hasn't been herself and has been so busy to boot...it was nice to have her back and get time with her.

i get to go to no doubt tonight! i'm excited.


izzy and auntie
About this Entry
sis and me
Jul. 14th, 2009 @ 10:07 am (no subject)
Current Mood: disappointed
Tags: , ,
i hate money....i just got ei and i paid my sis for concert tix and some bills and i'm broke!! :``(   literally 0$$$ . frick.

and i have a lawyer to dispute the no yield conviction and get it on the other guys side since it's his fault (if this makes no sense it is cuz i'm on the phone with the sister. :) )....so i have a lawyer that i need to fire. cuz he's useless and i don't want to deal with it all tho. i just want it to go away!! :( !!!!!


and izzy is feeling blah today and is either teething or getting sick.  she's clingy and cranky and having mini tantrums and being awful. agh.
About this Entry
Jul. 12th, 2009 @ 11:51 am hey me, where have you been?
Current Mood: thoughtful
i finished putting clutter up around my mirror and on my dresser and i love it. it reminds me of who i am. josh fixed my laptop and cleared up the problem. i have a lil ikea side table that i am using as a laptop desk. i'm sitting on the floor typing, reminds me of japan. no chairs there at home, just cushions on the floor and heated mats in the winter. simon-cat is laying beside me as i type, regina spektor on the headphones. i feel like this is my lil zen space. no one's personality but me surrounds me.

i found a photo of my sister and i sleeping at the cabin when we were lil. i am 7 so that makes mikayla 4. i have nearly blonde hair and very tanned skin. mik is similarly light haired and dark skinned from days playing in the sand and swimming in the lake. i have bangs falling in to my eyes and my head curled on to mikayla's shoulder. she is curled on her side, arm flopped out to the side of the bed. we look so peaceful and i can just imagine mom pointing it out to dad, dad quietly taking tiptoes to the camera and back, and snapping the photo. just before whispering to mom, "aren't they beautiful?". and i'm so glad that one day josh and i will be repeating that history. i think if we have a second they will get along like mik and i, with periods of fighting maybe, but hopefully they will be friends like mikayla and i have become. i think i want to name the second Athina. Josh likes it!! that shocked me. can you imagine, lil Isabella and Athina? how perfect is that? if a boy, Hunter Alexander Morison.

Alexander is also Grandpa Morison's name. he is still in hospital, well enough to open his eyes sometimes and stare towards the tv. he still can't blink or swallow enough to drink or eat.  but since he can nod and blink now so the dr, a South African and more blunt than us Cdns are used to, said to Al, "Alex," (the nurses and drs call him Alex which sounds too formal even for a nickname, after calling him Al all this time), " do you want a feeding tube? blink once for yes and twice for no."

so Al blinks twice. then the dr asks, "or would you rather we let you die. blink once for yes and twice for no ?"

so Al blinks twice. so much for asking directly. mixed messages. do not admit defeat but do not accept a limited lifestyle. ugh. poor terry, leeabeth, jim and rick and his wife miriam for having to decide. terry, josh's mom, asked again when al could nod yes or no and he said no to both again. so hard. do we pull off the machines and see if his body can live on his own, let nature take it's course, or do we take the chance he would be happy in a home(doubtful, he didn't like his previous freer post stroke existence, so why would he be less depressed even more ltd) and let the drs add feeding tubes and do more invasive procedures? and then if he's miserable, too bad at that point short of suicide??ugh, argh, agh.  terry lost her grandparents young, barely remembers. and josh hasn't lost anyone close!! he cried in the hospital! i have only seen him cry once, and never in public. i cried too, too overwhelmed. even knowing al after his stroke and for such a short time, it is hitting me hard. he is my family too now i feel. poor josh tho. when he was little he was grandpa's shadow. even when he was a baby it was grandpa al who walked him around and got him to calm and sleep. we would hate to lose him. we would all hate more to see him suffer. if there is a god why would he let us develop medicine that forces people to decide for Him or keeps people around too long? not new questions for sure. or wish al knew what we were asking and could really communicate to us what HE wants. that is important.

on a happier note, i have more of the wedding invites out and should be getting some replies in the mail soon! and i have plans to start for the wedding. and i am loving this new regina spektor album!!! there is a whole song with a chorus about leaves being the prettiest before they die, crumple to the ground. wow. and i just started a Charlotte Sometimes song and her voice is beautiful and smooth. like really good coffee. who else listens to her or regina and has suggestions for me, music wise?

visited Victoria BC - beautiful. had the best food and found two AMAZING used book stores. I loved the people in them. in each i found a person with my reading tastes, which i found amazing. we spent almost 150$ on books. ridiculous!! but we found so many that we've been looking for forever or longer and had to. the first book store owner let me know of an author who someone said is like an American Murakami, so i'm excited to read it. and the second book store had a girl who also has a crush on Jack Kerouac. i instantly loved her for it and we bonded for the ten minutes i was at the counter. the book was only 18$ and a hardcover and a rare find. 

my life is so full. and i looked up Kimya Dawson tabs. after ten yrs of having it, i'm gonna learn my damn guitar my way. i will practice when Izzy naps, as much as i can , or maybe evenings when i'm not rock climbing. and i will try to put aside my OCD tendency to clean and spend too many minutes moving a container to the right a mm then to the left a mm til a shelf looks perfect. must care more about learning and loving and less about how clean things are, how glasses are arranged in the cupboard. i will sweep so the floor is clean for my crawling Isazilla and then i will promise myself to sit for a half hour at least while she sleeps or when josh is home and do more than check freaking facebook, that life sucking, brain draining, time stealer. i will write and play and learn and read and listen to music. this is my promise to me. i lost me awhile ago and i need to be tianna as well as mother and sister and lover and housekeeper. yes, yes i do. hey me, there you are! with your own interests and need to be alone sometimes and your loves. thank god i didn't completely lose you. <3
 


About this Entry
Jul. 7th, 2009 @ 09:27 pm too much love and not enough time
grandpa al, josh's grandpa, is dying. a lot of sadness.
About this Entry
Jun. 23rd, 2009 @ 10:38 am beat
Current Mood: tired
oh man, i'm beat.

it was josh's mom, her 50th bday, then his sis's 22nd, then the family reunion, then his 25th and then i made it to rock climbing. argh.

nothing is resolved with the car accident sitch. may need to fire my lawyer. sigh. and my friend is dealing with a lawyer cuz her douche bag of an ex gave her a gorgeous lil boy who is now 7 and nothing else good and now she has to fight to leave the province and be with her new husband in alberta, where he has an amazing job. gah. makes me feel guilty that i have josh here. a boy who decided to stay home and help me clean the house yesterday. after a busy 4 days it was a DISASTER. a boy who makes his own schedule and can shift things if i really really need him to. a boy amazing with his daughter and is patient with my crazy moods. and then jaq has to deal with her jerk of an ex who is barely human. so cuz of that ass she is far away from her wonderful husband who is great with eric and amazing to his new baby girl. life isn't fair. but greg took the job in alberta before checkin the logistics and making sure jaq, eric and calleigh could move with him. so they did it to themselves, in a way. everyone else predicted adam would stop them...and we all knew he could. we have had friends in the situation, unfortunately. so i get kind of ticked when she makes me feel even more guilty that i have josh with me here. not my fault i thought stuff through and at the same time lucked out with a great guy.

otherwise life is grand. going on vacay the first weekend of july. may make brownies with friends on the weekend and have girl time. going to the zoo with my future sis-in-law on thurs. life is busy. sometimes i long for a weekend when we have nothing to do and izzy is less rambunctious...but if that's all i really long for, then i'm good.
About this Entry
Jun. 20th, 2009 @ 10:35 am i now <3 James Franco
Current Mood: jubilant
If James Franco is in love with the Beat Generation, then I am now in love with him. *sigh*

READ!!  http://www.nypress.com/blog-4344-james-franco-beats-off.html

Wasn't that great?
About this Entry
Jun. 19th, 2009 @ 09:44 am (no subject)
it's been forever since i've posted and i don't even have time now!

it's daddy/daughter day for josh's work! not really, but all of his clients want to meet isabella, so he took the day off to take her around to them. it's sooooo cute. and i get the day to myself....but i will be spending it finishing bday stuff for josh and getting his present etc. yay!! and finish cleaning without having to make sure isabella is not in to something every two secs. :p
About this Entry
May. 22nd, 2009 @ 10:10 am jamaica and fantasy novels. (my title is unimaginative, i know)
Current Mood: amused
we went to jamaica and it was glorious. the sand, the sun, the trees, the flowers. it was sad how poor it is tho and how easy it is to fall in to a life of making cheap necklaces or picking mangoes and trying to convince tourists to buy them for way too much money on the street. then spend that money buying red stripe and weed at night. but most of the people were friendly and when you have an 8 month old baby with you they respect that and leave you be for the most part. jamaica made me really understand "it takes a village to raise a child". instead of being meddling for the most part people were really helpful with isabella and very sweet to her. it was nice. and i got to swim with dolphins!! so much fun. so many stories that will trickle through as i am reminded of them.

am i the only one bothered by how women are portrayed in most fantasy novels?? if they are strong women they are all sex-fiends or bossy,  and if they are shy women they are beautiful and meek. i dunno, just of what i've read lately. anyone know of any fantasy novels that portray women as more than 2 dimensional???


at Dunn's River Falls. The guy beside me got splashed by water, not hit by me.

Shopping in Jamaica

sunset by our hotel. PINK clouds!!

Izzy scared of the water....for the first 5 days she hated the sand too.

With the lizard at Dolphin's Cove. Isabella LOVED him. And they had a snake too. Which she also loved.

About this Entry
May. 12th, 2009 @ 10:14 am lucky
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: izzy napping (baby breaths)
goddamn i'm lucky. sometimes i forget how much. i have wonderful people all around me. maybe the "test" of having several crappy years in my early-mid 20's was just to see if i ..."deserved" (?) ...my new-found wonderful life with my wonderful new family. not that it's all roses. There is still crap to deal with. It's just been made easier. And I take more things in stride now. Getting calmer with the years. kinda like the ocean. there are still huge, rough waves and high-wind moments. but if you respect the ocean, then take a deep breath and look at the beauty of it and the calm of the tide moving in and out, in and out...then you realize it can all work together and not against you.
About this Entry
May. 4th, 2009 @ 07:38 am soft and gentle
Current Mood: busy
people need to stop bulldozing through life. soft and gentle is the key. there is something to be said for old world common courtesies. life is not a sitcom or sex and the city episode. laugh at the crude but remember that verbal diarrhea is not your friend and can be as gross as it sounds. loud and boisterous have their place, but so does a quiet conversation full of "pardon me" and "it's nice to hear that". gentle and ask first are also important. i think if people went through life a little slower it would help so much. if people thought before they said, asked before they did and thought before they acted their world would be a nicer place . . . which would be a chain reaction and make other people's world a better place. i'm not saying we should all be meek, just all with softer edges. less accidents and hurt feelings would result. more joy and quiet wonder would be created.

i'm back from jamaica. this is my first day with isabella without her daddy around. she has been so glad to have him with her every day. yesterday he went to the store and she was fussy, and kept looking towards the front door. this could be a long day. cross your fingers for me .
About this Entry
Silver Shoes
Apr. 8th, 2009 @ 10:14 am argh
Current Mood: blah
we go to jamaica in two weeks. i am the third biggest weight i have ever ever been. so that's kind of depressing. but i don't care.(??...i'm trying) i will have fun and wear shorts and tank tops and show off the rest of the pregnancy fat i can't seem to shake and i will still smile in photos and look at them years later with fond memories.

all my friends are going through shite. medical, boy, job and kid related. and i am so drained. i smile and play with isabella while i listen or  i smile and be sympathetic, cuz i do truly 100% love and care for these people. but lately i don't have the energy for it. i'm not sure why. i am dealing with my own stuff but usually i'm ok with it. and i don't share my troubles cuz it reminds me that they are there. and i would rather ignore it right now. and they are so minor compared to what my friends are going through. at the end of the day i have a wonderful boyfriend, an upcoming vacation with in-laws i actually like and a beautiful gorgeous baby girl. and so why whine about lil cares? what more do i need? i just feel like my emotions are all jingle-jangle lately. it might actually be pms. my period has been so wonky since i had isabella. and i do get depressed or emotional right before(you ladies probably do too!).

i need to do stuff. i've made a lunch date with a friend i need to keep. i feel lazy and unproductive. i wanna stay inside today with shades drawn, isabella content on her playmat and me watching a movie i borrowed from my sister. also, my sister played me a poetry/song by Shane Koyczan about a 9 yr old boy dying of cancer and it very nearly ripped my heart out. i don't know what i would do if we lost isabella - i would lose me too. everyone says it, but until you have kids and become a parent you don't fully feel it...i would fight a pack of lions for izzy. i would do anything to make sure she is safe always. even when she is a teenager and challenging me on every level emotionally and physically. haha.

omg, i need to quit stalling and get shit done.

 


About this Entry
Mar. 23rd, 2009 @ 12:07 pm (big) *SIGH* (of happiness)
Current Mood: cheerful
yesterday was such a good day. i turned 29. i drank champagne. i got to be lazy. i'm lucky and spoiled.
About this Entry
Mar. 17th, 2009 @ 06:38 pm sigh
Current Mood: hopeful
so apparently we had talked about the mat leave ending and division of chores. where was i? what i took as passing comments josh took as solid decision. gah. he needs to learn how to have a conversation.

i opened an argument but it concluded in us talking everything out and figuring out our shit.

i'm not going back to work cuz it's not worth it. if we look at buying a house i could open a daycare. if we don't buy maybe i'll go back and work at starbucks for p/t evenings. there is one a block away. i would only need a couple nights a week. josh has agreed to put less towards credit cards if i can't find anything. the p/t thing is up to me. we will cut costs as much as possible to make it work.

also i got flowers cuz josh felt like a jerk last night. i kinda felt they were deserved.
About this Entry
Mar. 17th, 2009 @ 11:00 am i'm sick of everything.
Current Mood: pissed off
last night i came home from rock climbing and josh asked how it went. he was playing his PSP. in the middle of me telling him about my night, he made a disgruntled sigh and said "thanks!" and i asked what i did and he said i'd distracted him so much his character had died in the video game. i tried to make a joke of it and he acted annoyed. so i went to bed. i played second to vid games for 3 years in my past relationship. i'm not doing it now. pause it while i talk or ask me to pause speaking for a sec.

then, since he was up i asked him to take iz if she woke up and get her back to sleep to which he replied, "i will but i don't want to". um, gee. as if izzy cares if you don't want to. and i could but i'm exhausted and he would be up playing anyway. if he was working, i would have done it. she is teething and he doesn't share nights like most dads(dads i've talked to take every second night so their wives can sleep and assume josh does too. he doesn't), so i get to wake up 4 times a night, rub her gums and give her a soother and soothe her back to sleep. and cuz he lets me sleep on weekends normally i'm ok with that. but last night wasnt ok with it cuz didnt get any sleep on the weekend either. i just asked for one favour.

on top of that he won't communicate with me and figure out if i'm going back to work. daycare is enough money  that one and a bit of my cheques would pay for it and the rest of my second cheque would pay for rent and MAYBE part of my cell phone bill. so it's barely worth it. i wouldn't be going back to a career, i would be going back to a joe job i hate. so he hasn't talked it out with me and i've been trying. won't help me budget. implies i could be doing more around the house and that all day i just sit and watch tv. lately, isn't completely present with isabella, and i feel like he doesnt make the effort to play with her enough. plays vid games more often lately and seems distracted.

he seems money stressed. i get that but won't sit and work it out with me. makes no effort to see his friends and i know he needs to get out more but i can't force him to call so it's hopeless. talks about babyproofing but has made no effort to help me do that or figure out a plan. for example, we have been using tv trays as coffee tables. izzy can drag them over and hurt herself now. no move to get an actual coffee table yet tho. i said i would go get it but need $40. no move to get me that money either. he sounds like he's given up but it's just more like he's procrastinating. meanwhile, i guess i'm supposed to act like a "martyr mom" and sit here and whine i'm doing everything myself. which i am doing but dont want to. i'm just venting but i keep asking him to act like my partner or team on this and take an hour to suss it out and he hasnt. it's immature to ignore this. we are running out of decision time. plus, i am in charge of phoning bill companies and landlords and drs and venues for the wedding....cuz he hates doing it and refuses. i hate doing it too. i wish we could share that responsibility. gr.

if i stay home after mat leave there will be sacrifices for both of us but i think i would be willing cuz it is worth it. we could make ends meet on josh's salary. but he's so focused on putting a ridiculous amount of money towards paying off credit cards and sticking with his pre-baby pay off plan. i want him to put on a lil less for a few years, i'll get an online degree, go back to work when kid #2 is in kindergarten and BAM, we can pay tons off again. if only he would TALK to me. he's so quiet and a crappy communicator. it drives me up the frigging wall.

plus my house drives me nuts. there is barely storage and stuff everywhere. when i tidy up there is nothing i can do except move this pile of junk from one corner to the other or sweep around it. so our house never seems clean. which is probably why josh thinks i do nothing all day. i've asked him if i can buy shelves but now that i might not go back to work we act like we can't afford it. argh. so frustrating and all the lil things pile up and make me crazy.



About this Entry

Advertisement

Customize